Flailing Our Way Through the Transition Phase

I survived pregnancy. I survived labor and delivery. Now I'm praying we will survive the first few weeks of parenthood.

Asher is, so far, a very mild tempered little guy. He's rarely fussy except, of course, in the middle of the night. He sleeps most of the day, waking every few hours for The Boobs or for diaper changing. When he is awake, he enjoys lying there and pondering life with the most serious old man expression he can possibly muster and perfecting his E.T. impressions.

Stephen has been extremely busy working his butt off so we can afford to keep our new little pet. When he isn't working, he's been having fun tending to his very demanding wife, stressing about finances, stressing about work, and stressing about finances some more.

I am...surviving. Honestly, I put so much worry and stress into the delivery of Asher that I really hadn't thought much about how things would be after he arrived. I assumed the worst would be labor and if I could make it through that then it would be clear sailing. To some extent, that's true - not because the labor ended up being horrendous (thanks to everyone who recommended the epidural, by the way), but because it had forever been a huge fear of mine and I overcame it. However, it never occurred to me that there might be a recovery period after the delivery - I had some pretty extensive repairs that have been very painful and have made mothering and maneuvering extremely difficult. I didn't get very hormonal during pregnancy, so I assumed I'd be perfectly fine, emotionally, postpartum. A couple of days ago, however, the baby blues arrived as a most unwelcome guest. For some reason, I seem to be fine the majority of the day, but during the evening I get a major case of the weepies. I feel very overwhelmed, very scared, and surprisingly very much alone. Everyone has been so generous and helpful to us - visiting, calling, e-mailing, sending gifts and cards, staying with me and helping out - and I have a beautiful baby in my arms, but I sometimes feel more alone and separated from everyone than I ever have felt before in my life. In my mind, I know it's the hormones, the change of normality, the fact that my husband is stressed, and our usual worries sprinkled on top that are creating these feelings of depression and loneliness, but unfortunately knowing that doesn't make me feel much better. I'd read about postpartum depression, but I guess I never thought it'd feel quite the way this feels. I thought I'd just be weepy, just a little sensitive to things. I didn't think I'd feel as if I'd been dropped into a deep hole in the middle of the woods at night in the pouring rain with a hungry baby nursing on my sore boobs with three hours of sleep and a sore heiny. Which brings me to another topic I was totally unprepared for: SORE BOOBS. I knew they'd hurt, but I thought it'd be more of just a discomfort than actual pain. When my milk came in a few nights ago - YEOUCH! - I bawled like a baby. I didn't think I'd ever have such huge breasts, and now that I have them, I feel at my most unsexy. I've flooded so many bras and nightgowns, even with nursing pads on, that Stephen should probably start building an ark. I find myself worrying a ton about Stephen and his state of mind and the amount of sleep he gets - which in a way might be good because it temporarily gets my mind off of my own woes, but also just makes me feel more alone with my own struggles. I also worry about money, not being able to take more than 7 weeks off of work (when the short-term disability runs out), and all that other fun stuff I've been worrying about for months.

It's not all bad, though. We have a BABY! A real, live BABY! Who is adorable and sweet and cuddly! And, we're now a family! Yes, the future ahead of us is unknown and a bit scary. Yes, I'm totally confused and have no idea what I'm doing. But it's an incredibly exciting and happy kind of confusion and fear. I pray that my recovery will continue to progress and my mood swings will become less intense so that I can begin to enjoy the time I have off with my baby. I will post more pictures of Asher as I have the time and energy to. Thank you so much to everyone for your concerns, support, prayers, visitations, gifts, and phone calls - as many of you know, I have a tendency to become like a hermit when I'm going through a difficult time in my life, so your reaching out to me has kept me from sinking too far into the depths of insanity! I've been very blessed in that Stephen's mother and my sister have very generously stayed with us to help with the baby and with housework. More than that, it's been very important to me to have someone here, especially when Stephen is at work, to keep me company and keep me from feeling too lonely and depressed. I don't know what I'm going to do when the company is gone and I'm actually left alone to deal with my new life.

I know there will be more and more positive posts as the next couple of weeks progress and I gradually pull myself together. Until then, please bear with me as I am new at dealing with this spiraling sensation of parenthood!