Week 17 and Feeling Pretty Good

Finally, at the beginning of my seventeenth week, excitement is starting to take over as the lead emotion in this crazy mind of mine.

My belly is definitely beginning to grow. My gut is not terribly obvious yet to outsiders, but to me, it's blindingly clear that a baby is taking over my body. And surprisingly? I am loving my newly rounded belly. I was certain I would hate getting larger, but instead I find myself constantly touching and rubbing my tiny baby Buddha belly. When people point out that my stomach is apparently large for how far along I am (although I really don't think I look that big for it being my fourth month, but then again, I'm clueless), I actually feel happy and proud about it. Although, I must say, I really could do without the insinuations regarding me having twins. Not funny. Seriously not funny, people!

My nausea is almost all gone. I still feel a little pukey if I don't keep something in my stomach or when I get really tired, but it's nothing like the nausea I experienced the past two months. I'm still tired and my energy is low, but I haven't been falling asleep at my desk anymore. I'm beginning to get more backaches, but I kind of enjoy being able to ask Stephen to give me a backrub without my feeling guilty in return. After all, it is his child giving me these backaches, right? The only really annoying "symptoms" I still have are heartburn and lack of appetite. The only things I really seem to enjoy eating these days are Salsa Verde Doritos and Ritter's pineapple custard with the special sprinkles like Sycamore Ice Cream (from our hometown) uses.

Also, and this is just more of a maybe, but I think I've been starting to feel Baby Neener squirming around a bit. People have been trying to describe the feelings of what "fluttering" or "quickening" feels like, and of course, every single description has been different. I say, "So-and-so told me it felt like this to her when she first started feeling her baby move." And the response I always get is, "Really?! That's weird. Didn't feel like that at all to me - it's more like this kind of a feeling." So far, my cousin Kiley has given me the closest description to what I've felt - she ran her fingertip across the open palm of my hand and said it feels like that inside your belly. The sensation I've been having is sort of like that, but feels more like that weird feeling you get from sticking your finger deep in your bellybutton and wiggling it around (sadly, I know what this feels like because my mom has always delighted in torturing my sister and I by poking her finger deep into our bellybuttons and wiggling it around while we would squeal both from the tickling and from the horrible heeby-jeebies it would give us), only it's not in my bellybutton but inside my lower abdomen. I really hope this is Baby Neener I'm feeling. Otherwise, I don't know what the funk is going on down there.

We've begun setting up our baby registries, as well. Sure, it may be a little early to do so now, but considering how indecisive we are about things, we need all the time we can get to figure out what we want. So far, we've registered at Babies 'R' Us, Target, and Wal-Mart. You know, not because we want to register for everything under the stars, but just because we want to give people plenty of options if they so generously opt to purchase a gift for Baby Neener. We're only thinking about giving people options and convenience, you know. Stephen's love of obsessively researching various things for hours on end has usually gotten on my nerves in the past, but I have to admit I'm very much appreciating his sweet research skills right now. It's very overwhelming looking at all this baby stuff and not knowing what's needed, what's good and what's crap, and what the hell some of this stuff even is!

Now for the most important news: Baby Neener update! Baby Neener is about 6 1/2 inches long and weighs about four ounces. The ears are fully formed and in their final position (which I pray are on either side of his/her head) so, therefore, the sense of hearing is developing. Baby Neener is also beginning to form fat tissue. Wonderful. I just knew I needed to be eating more pineapple custard with sprinkles. We will be going to the doctor this Friday for our third prenatal exam. I don't think anything major will be taking place at this visit, other than hopefully getting to listen to the heartbeat again (our baby has a beating heart, how cool!!!) and I'll be having some bloodwork done to test for abnormalities with Baby Neener.

And now for the highly demanded belly pic! Um....looking at it....yeah, I kind of do look big....(eek!!!!!)

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I've Got Serious Talent

Recently having developed superhuman gag reflexes, I am now dubbing myself the Queen of Gagging. And, I've discovered this week it's not a pleasure to save just for teeth brushing time. Oh, my goodness, no. I find gagging so delightful that now I've pretty much decided I can gag at the drop of a hat. Literally. Drop your hat and I'll gag for you.

At least a few times a week I have issues brushing my teeth. Either my tongue or my back teeth decide they just do not want to be touched at all by Mr. Toothbrush, or toothpaste/saliva/rinse water will hit the back of my mouth at just the right (wrong) spot, and all hell breaks loose. As annoying as this is, and as much as I find this behavior completely unnecessary, I've learned to deal with - even laugh at - it. I mean, how retarded is it that I puke after brushing my teeth? And then, after puking from brushing, is it wise to brush again? Just think of the possible chain reaction!

But now I'm beginning to wonder if my mouth didn't hire a bouncer without consulting me first. Last night, trying to be a good mother to Baby Neener, I had a healthy dinner of a small portion of ceasar pasta salad, then a healthy snack of a peach, and another healthy snack of a very small bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats before bed. (Remember, I have to pretty much constantly eat to ward off nausea and, because I find it difficult lately to eat much more than kid-sized portions, I'm always hungry.) To top it all off, to nail down my Mother-of-the-Year Award, I took a prenatal vitamin. And then I proceeded to gag more violently than I can remember ever doing before, ran into the bathroom, and "released" all of Baby Neener's nourishment for the evening across the toilet lid.

As if that's not bad enough, at lunch I took a bite of my sandwich and gagged on it. No spewing involved this time, but it was frightening. I don't know what my body is trying to tell me. I thought brushing one's teeth, taking prenatal vitamins for the fetus, and eating were all good things...have I been mistaken all this time?

Only good I can find in this whole situation is that I've definitely lost my fear of puking. In fact, I feel I've become quite good at it. Not exactly a skill I had wanted to hone, but I guess beggars can't be choosers.

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"Cravings"

I've heard and read that many, if not most, women during their pregnancies experience food cravings. Now, I have yet to have any food cravings...there are foods that make me want to yak less than other foods, but that's a far cry from a craving, if you ask me. However, and I haven't heard or read anything on this, I swear I've been experiencing cravings that are non-food related. Is it possible to crave things other than food during pregnancy? Granted, I normally like these things, but in the past few weeks I've been pining away for them, even fantasizing about them. I can't attribute this sudden desire to anything other than me being pregnant. Anyone else experienced this in their pregnancy? Here are a few of the really strong ones:

* Bath & Body Works' Country Apple scented lotion. It reminds me of autumn and my freshman year at Purdue.

* 80's new wave music. In particular, I "just can't get enough" of early Depeche Mode, New Order, and The Cure. Also can't stop listening to Culture Club's "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" and Madonna's "Get Into the Groove" on my iPod.

* Autumn. I am DYING for October to get here...Sweater weather, the look and smell of changing leaves, pumpkins, corny kids' Halloween movies on Disney (because real horror movies are too scary for me), crisp cool sunny days, caramel apples, apple cider with cinnamon sprinkled on top, the sound of Stephen watching football on tv....If I could go to bed with a season, Fall would be rocking my world.

* Origins' Ginger Essence perfume. (A) I swear it's helped with my nausea, (B) in my mind, it's what autumn smells like, and (C) it reminds me of getting married (I think I first fell in love with this fragrance just a couple of weeks before we got married).

* 90's music that either was popular or that I listened to a lot when I was in high school/early college....Pearl Jam, Our Lady Peace, Smashing Pumpkins' "Siamese Dream" and "Mellon Collie..." albums, The Cardigans "First Band on the Moon" album, Gin Blossoms, Filter's "Hey Man, Nice Shot", The Cure's "Wish" album....Oh the memories, man....

* Having the windows open in the house, watching the curtains dance in the breeze, listening to the birds chirp and the neighbors' windchimes sing, or at night, listening to the crickets being all crickety.

* Being with my mom...I wish I could see her every day!

* Taking a relaxing weekend trip and staying at a bed & breakfast. I'd love to go to Charleston or Savannah, but with our newly reduced budget, maybe we could try Madison, IN, instead? My favorite mother-in-law had suggested this a long time ago, but we never went. I think we need a little babymoon or two!

Upon review of my list, I think I might have a slight obsession right now with autumn - like, a restraining order type of obsession. Moreover, I realize that all of these things bring me comfort in some way...From the obvious comfort of having my mom around, to certain songs or genres of music reminding me of comforting times in my past...Maybe this is my soul's way of trying to counteract all the freaking out that's been going on in my mind lately and bring me back down to reality. A reminder that everything will be okay, and that even when I think I'm losing my mind, I can still find relief and comfort in certain things that remind me of how good life is.

Or maybe, just maybe, and probably, this entire post is just an illustration that the emotional instabilities I've yet to experience (SHOCKINGLY) are starting to take over my mind.

You may need to excuse any posts I make in the next few months. Make that a year.

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Week 15: Let the Freaking Out Begin!

I think this is the first week I've really started to think - like seriously think - about everything that's going on and changing in our lives. To be perfectly honest, it's pretty damn scary. Don't get me wrong - I know in the grand scheme of things that the changes that are taking place are wonderful and are changes we want to make in our lives, but that doesn't alter the fact that I'm terrified of change - planned or unplanned.

Stephen is currently looking for a new job. The least dramatic way to put it is, he's working on transitioning from his current new job into something hopefully better. I know this is putting a terrible amount of stress and worry on my poor husband, although he's such a sweetheart and doesn't show much of this worry to me so as not to burden me with that aspect of our lives. Although I'm carrying a growing buttload of burden both on my shoulders and in my gut, it bothers me that he should have to have this stress right now. He's such a smart guy, a hard worker, the nicest man you'll ever meet who truly would do anything for anyone and actually want to do it, and honestly a better husband than I could have ever wished for. He deserves to be happy and successful in a career, and it drives me crazy that he's continually dumped on. Despite the setback this is potentially putting on our plans, we're trying to think positively and hope for the best - that maybe something better will come along and I'll still get to eventually quit work for awhile and take care of the family. We know deep down it'll all work out and everything will be fine, but it's still aggravating that crap like this happens when things seem to be going our way. C'est la vie, I suppose.

And along the lines of work, I have been struggling with work, myself, the past few weeks. For starters, there are changes taking place that aren't seeming to be good changes and are making quite a number of us unhappy. This is stressful all on its own, but coupling it with the fact that I'm so exhausted and often just plain not feeling well makes it ten times worse. Seriously, working feels like torture lately and it's so hard to just suck it up and grin and bear it. Please say a prayer for me that my hormones won't make me go crazy one of these days and snap. As Nicole Richie was supposedly quoted in one of the "reliable" tabloids recently, "I don't want to have a jail baby!"

Oh, and the baby worries! Let's see...Saturday morning I woke up and was petrified that I'd somehow smooshed the baby during sleep and started freaking out that I ought to go to the doctor and hear the heartbeat, just to make sure it was still there. Thankfully, Stephen slept about an hour longer than I did, which was just long enough for me to talk some sense into myself. If I forget to take my prenatal vitamin one day? OH MY GOD, worst mother ever, RIGHT HERE! There's a part of me that's convinced my baby is going to be all shriveled up and deformed, because there have been a few days I did not take a damn precious vitamin. We get our ultrasound in a couple of months, and I'm trying to prepare myself for the news that our baby is both male and female....or that he/she only has one arm....or one foot....or maybe a leg where an arm should be....AND, here's a good one - WHAT IF I CAN'T FIND CURTAINS THE SAME SHADE OF ANTIQUE WHITE AS THE CURTAIN ROD THAT DON'T COST AN ARM AND A LEG?! Because until we get that ultrasound, I don't know if my baby can afford an arm or a leg!

I know these are just the beginning - the very, very tip of the iceburg - of a whole lifelong list of worries we'll have involving the wellbeing of this child. It comes with the territory, I know. I'm right now just trying to convince myself that it's a good sign that I have worries, that I'm concerned about our baby's welfare and lifestyle. Maybe it doesn't mean I'm crazy; maybe it means I'm ready to become a mother, ready to be a responsible parent, but just not sure what to expect. It's kind of exciting, the whole unknown of it all. It's also unbelievably terrifying and leaves me feeling out of control. And to think we planned all of this confusion....

Okay, here's what's apparently happening with Baby Neener this week, assuming all of my strange worries are hopefully false and just plain ridiculous: Baby Neener is five inches and weighs two ounces; Baby Neener's skin is so thin and transparent the blood vessels can be seen through it; Baby Neener's bones are beginning to ossify (are hardening from cartilage into bone); Baby Neener's ears are still developing externally and looking more normal; and, Baby Neener's eyes are still moving toward the nose, away from the sides of the head. (And there's another fear just implanted in my mind - Baby Neener being born with eyes on the sides of his/her head. Poor Baby Neener - what a sad picture I've painted in my mind of our unborn child.)

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Week 14: A Light at the End of the Tunnel?

It's the beginning of my fourteenth week of pregnancy, the beginning of my second trimester, and hopefully the beginning of the more enjoyable section of my pregnancy.

Things have slowly began to progress in the positive direction, as far as me feeling better is concerned. I no longer feel nauseous 24/7. On good days, I only feel nauseous when I allow myself to get too hungry or too sleepy. On bad days, the nausea comes and goes in constant waves throughout the day and I feel like a someone's backed over me with a Mack truck. But still, even on bad days, I can definitely say I don't feel nearly as bad as I did that first month and a half. With that said, hopefully that explains why I haven't been posting to my blogs or keeping in touch with my beloved family and friends as well as I normally do. It's a strange experience so far, this whole pregnancy thing: for months I was dying to get here, and now that I am, I've unfortunately felt as if pregnancy is just this giant boulder that has fallen on top of me. There for quite some time, my days consisted of being miserable at work from 8:30-5:00, coming home and crawling into bed, forcing myself to eat something for dinner in bed, and then moaning and crying myself to sleep. Weekends pretty much were the same, minus the being miserable at work part, spent in bed trying to muster the energy to take a shower, which would wear me out so much I'd have to spend the rest of the day in bed. E-mailing or calling anyone, let alone doing any social activities, seemed to be impossible tasks, and I had zero desire to be on the computer for more than ten minutes at a time.

Thankfully, things are improving. Though most weekday evenings are spent at home in my pajamas whining, at least I'm able to spend them outside of my bedroom. The past several weekends have actually been busy and required traveling. Though these trips have been exhausting, I have to admit it's felt pretty darn good to get out of the house for a day or two. My appetite still isn't anywhere near back to normal and I'm still sharpening my skills at toothbrush puking, but overall I am hopeful that I'm on the road to second trimester bliss and leaving crummy first trimesterville.

What I am most happy about, though, is that with the first trimester woes waning away, the excitement and joy of having a baby is finally starting to set in. I've been well enough to shop in small doses and have bought a few baby clothes, blankets and toys. We picked out colors for the nursery this weekend. The most exciting thing that has happened, though, is that on Friday we went to our second doctor's appointment and got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. That's right! Baby Neener has a heart! And it beats! The nurse, of course, thought I was a dumbass for proclaiming this realization, but she just didn't understand how I had convinced myself I was plagued with some rare and horrible illness that had symptoms identical to those of pregnancy. It was mind-boggling to hear those swish-swish sounds of our baby's heart and, again, realize that a person is growing inside of me. How is that possible?! Probably like most people, I was never able to fully grasp the whole concept of the miracle of life until now, as it's happening inside of me.

Anyway, we won't have an ultrasound for another two whole months, which is agonizing because we're dying to know whether Baby Neener is a girl neener or a boy neener. I, personally, am predicting it'll be one of the two.

Also, I'm apparently at the fringe of beginning to show. I've had two people, one a stranger and one who works in my building, come up and ask if I'm expecting. Thankfully for them, I am and having them recognize this made my day. The first was an elderly woman whom I encountered in a McDonald's restroom last week. I was wearing a baby doll top that day, so I'm sure that's really where she got the impression I was pregnant, but it was fun nonetheless. I've read about how random strangers will give you unwelcome advice when you're pregnant, but I haven't found any suggestions on how to receive unwelcome life stories from people when you're pregnant. Case in point: elderly McDonald's fellow restroom user shared with me while she tinkled how she never got married or had children, and now is a lonely 79 year-old woman who has no one to care for her and she regrets every day her decision to be so ambitious in her younger years. What do you say to that?! I was like, oh, I'm so sorry, um....(awkward silence). Don't get me wrong, I really feel bad for the woman; she was so sweet and nice and I'm sure she deserves a nice big family to take care of her in her golden years. And, I'm sure she only told me all of that to make me appreciate what I have going on in my life. But I'm a stranger. In a public restroom. It could only have been more awkward if she had directly asked me to take her home with me. Anyway, second time my pregnancy was spotted was on Friday, only a couple of hours after my doctor's appointment. This time I was not wearing a babydoll top, so I count this as my first official belly spotting. How exciting - I'm getting fat and the world is taking note!

According to my weekly e-mail update from the American Pregnancy Association, Baby Neener is about four inches long and weighs almost two ounces. The arms are lengthening and becoming more proportionate to the rest of the body. The liver is now producting bile, and the spleen is producing red blood cells. The brain has developed enough to allow Baby Neener to start making facial expressions, such as squinting, grimacing and frowning. Baby Neener may even be able to start sucking his/her thumb already!

Here's a picture of my 14-week old gut. Thanks to Angela for the comfy pants - she gave me several much appreciated bags of "fat"/maternity clothes to borrow. Please excuse the panty line - my word, how crude of me!

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