Week 15: Let the Freaking Out Begin!

I think this is the first week I've really started to think - like seriously think - about everything that's going on and changing in our lives. To be perfectly honest, it's pretty damn scary. Don't get me wrong - I know in the grand scheme of things that the changes that are taking place are wonderful and are changes we want to make in our lives, but that doesn't alter the fact that I'm terrified of change - planned or unplanned.

Stephen is currently looking for a new job. The least dramatic way to put it is, he's working on transitioning from his current new job into something hopefully better. I know this is putting a terrible amount of stress and worry on my poor husband, although he's such a sweetheart and doesn't show much of this worry to me so as not to burden me with that aspect of our lives. Although I'm carrying a growing buttload of burden both on my shoulders and in my gut, it bothers me that he should have to have this stress right now. He's such a smart guy, a hard worker, the nicest man you'll ever meet who truly would do anything for anyone and actually want to do it, and honestly a better husband than I could have ever wished for. He deserves to be happy and successful in a career, and it drives me crazy that he's continually dumped on. Despite the setback this is potentially putting on our plans, we're trying to think positively and hope for the best - that maybe something better will come along and I'll still get to eventually quit work for awhile and take care of the family. We know deep down it'll all work out and everything will be fine, but it's still aggravating that crap like this happens when things seem to be going our way. C'est la vie, I suppose.

And along the lines of work, I have been struggling with work, myself, the past few weeks. For starters, there are changes taking place that aren't seeming to be good changes and are making quite a number of us unhappy. This is stressful all on its own, but coupling it with the fact that I'm so exhausted and often just plain not feeling well makes it ten times worse. Seriously, working feels like torture lately and it's so hard to just suck it up and grin and bear it. Please say a prayer for me that my hormones won't make me go crazy one of these days and snap. As Nicole Richie was supposedly quoted in one of the "reliable" tabloids recently, "I don't want to have a jail baby!"

Oh, and the baby worries! Let's see...Saturday morning I woke up and was petrified that I'd somehow smooshed the baby during sleep and started freaking out that I ought to go to the doctor and hear the heartbeat, just to make sure it was still there. Thankfully, Stephen slept about an hour longer than I did, which was just long enough for me to talk some sense into myself. If I forget to take my prenatal vitamin one day? OH MY GOD, worst mother ever, RIGHT HERE! There's a part of me that's convinced my baby is going to be all shriveled up and deformed, because there have been a few days I did not take a damn precious vitamin. We get our ultrasound in a couple of months, and I'm trying to prepare myself for the news that our baby is both male and female....or that he/she only has one arm....or one foot....or maybe a leg where an arm should be....AND, here's a good one - WHAT IF I CAN'T FIND CURTAINS THE SAME SHADE OF ANTIQUE WHITE AS THE CURTAIN ROD THAT DON'T COST AN ARM AND A LEG?! Because until we get that ultrasound, I don't know if my baby can afford an arm or a leg!

I know these are just the beginning - the very, very tip of the iceburg - of a whole lifelong list of worries we'll have involving the wellbeing of this child. It comes with the territory, I know. I'm right now just trying to convince myself that it's a good sign that I have worries, that I'm concerned about our baby's welfare and lifestyle. Maybe it doesn't mean I'm crazy; maybe it means I'm ready to become a mother, ready to be a responsible parent, but just not sure what to expect. It's kind of exciting, the whole unknown of it all. It's also unbelievably terrifying and leaves me feeling out of control. And to think we planned all of this confusion....

Okay, here's what's apparently happening with Baby Neener this week, assuming all of my strange worries are hopefully false and just plain ridiculous: Baby Neener is five inches and weighs two ounces; Baby Neener's skin is so thin and transparent the blood vessels can be seen through it; Baby Neener's bones are beginning to ossify (are hardening from cartilage into bone); Baby Neener's ears are still developing externally and looking more normal; and, Baby Neener's eyes are still moving toward the nose, away from the sides of the head. (And there's another fear just implanted in my mind - Baby Neener being born with eyes on the sides of his/her head. Poor Baby Neener - what a sad picture I've painted in my mind of our unborn child.)