Can I Do It Again?

It was two years ago this month that Asher was conceived, and the time has already come for Stephen and I to start re-evaluating our family plans. It's strange - before I had Asher, I felt young and like I had all the time in the world to have a baby. Now that two years have passed and Asher is growing like a weed, I feel more pressure now than I did before. Before, those pressures were primarily from the mothers, relatives, and friends pushing us to get on the baby bandwagon. This time around, I'm finding all of the pressure is being created internally.

And, by the way, this in no way means we've started trying to get pregnant, or even that we've decided when to have another baby - now, six months, a year, two years, perhaps? This simply means we're talking about the possibility of when we might want to start thinking about having another child. And yes, we are the most passive, indecisive people I have ever known. Sometimes I really hate us.

I feel like between two and three years is a good age difference between siblings. If I want to obtain this age difference, we need to start cracking. Asher keeps getting older, you know! And speaking of age, I'm not getting any younger myself...I mean, seriously, I tweaked my back a couple of weeks ago by just getting into the car! And then there's the fact that both of us are getting very nostalgic about babies. Granted, this is probably partially due to the fact that Asher is acting less like a baby and more like a wild beast these days, but still, the baby craving is out there and it seems to be growing...

On the other hand, have you seen me lately? I'm a wreck! Hair is crazy, clothes are frumpy, the upkeep on grooming is poor, diet is atrocious...Mentally, I feel about ten times worse than that. I keep thinking about how insane everything felt right after I had Asher, and, though it's a different type of insanity, things still feel hectic and crazy right now...what kind of horrible, horrible mess would we create if we collided both of those worlds? Moreover, how would I cope in that chaos? And then there's money...sweet, cruel money. Of which we have none! But will we ever have some? Can we afford to wait until the economy shapes up and Steve gets a full-time job and our bank accounts are brimming with cold hard cash?

These are the thoughts that are eating away at my mind lately. I know we'll never really make an actual decision. We'll just finally give up, like we did the first time around. Two years after Asher's conception, and I'm still trying to figure out if I want to get pregnant. Although, I've got to admit, our passive decision-making the first time around had some pretty awesome results...