Bathroom Etiquette 101

Almost on a daily basis I find myself being reminded that people never cease to amaze me. Unfortunately, it's rarely good deeds that prompt this reminder.

Let me first explain the pet peeve located at the very top of my list of 55,468,972 pet peeves: Inconsideration. People who either are too ignorant and wrapped up in themselves to even try to consider other people's feelings or, even worse, people who are such jackasses that they don't care one iota about other people's feelings seriously make me consider committing multiple homicides daily.

Now, let's throw some inconsideration into my beautiful KitchenAid mixer from my favorite mother-in-law and add some bodily functions. Voila! I give you nearly every public restroom I have ever reluctantly set foot in.

However, restrooms located in gas stations, fast food joints, malls, parks and rest areas are, unfortunately, expected to be nasty. It's almost as if that's part of their disgusting charm. I mean, just think how long traveling would take if you actually stopped every time the urge hit, no longer feeling the need to suppress it out of fear of toxic bathroom encounters. And, let's face it, public bathrooms are a great reminder that whether we shop at Sears or Saks, we all have to make potty. (And you can find me using the restroom at Saks, even if I'm shopping at Sears, because Saks' restrooms always happen to be spotless in comparison to Sears' restrooms. Hmmm...)

So those are public bathrooms. Filthy for the most part, but it's an expected filthy. Bathrooms at work, however, should not be filthy. That is, unless you work at a gas station, fast food joint, mall, park or rest area. Granted, very few of us are priveleged enough to have our own personal bathroom at the office, so it's true to say these could be classified as public bathrooms, as many people are sharing them. However, these bathrooms are also located in private offices that are not necessarily open to the general public and, therefore, could be classified as non-public bathrooms. Public or not, it doesn't matter. What matters is that work is our home away from home, whether we like it or not, and we ought to treat our bathrooms in the same manner we'd treat our own. It frightens me to think of how some people probably treat their home bathrooms, though, so I'm sadly feeling the need to publish some very basic bathroom rules that everyone should follow. If you don't follow these rules, you are an inconsiderate jackass and had best make certain to lock your stall else my homicidal tendencies flare up.

1. FLUSH. And, FLUSH THOROUGHLY. Yes, I am aware there are the occasional toilets you come across that are tricky - even though you technically did flush, half of the potty is still there. I know it's a TON of extra work and time out of your precious day, but you absolutely must turn around and look in the toilet and make certain that ALL of the potty has left the premises. If any potty remains, I'm sorry, but you must flush again. I know it's not fair, but these are just some of the great injustices of the developed world in which we live that we must suffer. Furthermore, should you be unfortunate enough to encounter a toilet that will not flush at all, close the door of the stall and tape a note to it stating it's out of service. This will prevent others from accidentally witnessing the sight of your potty, which let's face it, could really ruin someone's day in certain circumstances. You now ought to contact your maintenance crew and apprise them of the situation at hand.


2. You know those cutesy signs people hang up in their bathrooms that ever-so-hilariously-and-cleverly remind us, "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe your seat!"? You should always, ALWAYS follow this rule. I have met a lot of squatters out there and, although I myself am not talented enough to practice such acrobatics, I totally understand your philosophy. However, I also know this is how a lot of said sprinkling while tinkling occurs. And for Heaven's sake, WIPE IT UP! Tinkle left on the seat of the toilet is completely and utterly unacceptable, possibly even worse than not flushing. At least if you don't flush, all the next person has to do is push the lever. If you don't wipe up your tinkle, however, that next person either has to wipe up YOUR urine or, even better, if he/she doesn't examine the seat closely enough prior to sitting, he/she gets the pleasure of sitting IN your urine. Absolutely disgusting, and sadly the most common bathroom rule-breaker I witness.


3. This rule is exclusively for the ladies. You menfolk can skip onto number four. *Ahem* LADIES: Feminine hygiene products go IN the provided basket. Not in or on the toilet, not on the floor, and most definitely not on the walls. If all of the ladies truly were ladies, this would not even be an issue. And apparently, there are a lot of un-ladylike ladies out there. Okay, so now that you know where the used products go, let me stress that there are two other steps to proper disposal. One, WRAP WRAP WRAP up your nasties. Put yourself in the cleaning crew's shoes. I know this requires you to be CONSIDERATE for a moment, but bear with me. Cleaning up after strangers is bad enough, but cleaning up unwrapped girl waste? Ew! I actually came across this lovely little rule-breaker today, which was the last straw that prompted me to publish this rant. So, the whole three of you reading this (the other two are men and have skipped this section) can thank little Miss Too-Busy-and-Too-Good-to-Wrap-Up-Her-Pantyliner for this post. Two, if the receptacle is a wall-hanging basket, there is generally a little paper sack inside of it. USE IT! Do not discard your lady products all willy-nilly in the basket. Place them inside the provided paper sack. I don't know if you are too ignorant or clueless or inconsiderate to have figured this out on your own, but if you don't place your waste inside the bag, the cleaning person has to actually reach in there and grab your dirty trash with his/her hands in order to dispose of it. Oh, but you say, that's their job! And they ought to be wearing gloves, so what difference does it make? Don't even go there. I would not want to touch anyone's used feminine products with a ten foot pole, not even if I'm being paid to do it and wearing gloves. And finally, ladies, always close the lid to the receptacle. Unless it is overflowing and leaving it open cannot be helped, there is no excuse for you to leave the lid open for the waste to greet the next stall vistor. Just remember...wrap, sack and close!


4. I understand the most unpleasant urge (i.e., number two) sometimes strikes and you cannot wait until you go home to relieve said urge. There are some common courtesy guidelines you ought to follow in doing so, however, so that everyone involved can leave the situation with dignity. The only times it is excusable to disobey these rules is when you're sick and, let's face it, sometimes we don't have total control over whether these rules are fully obeyed. But with that said, you should try your hardest when possible to be considerate. For one, if someone is already in the bathroom when you enter, that person has bathroom dibs. If you are entering for the business of number one, you may do so, but quickly, and immediately leave after hand washing. No teeth brushing or make-up application. Pee and run, that's what I say. The person with bathroom dibs ought to reward you for being considerate and hurrying out of there by pausing his/her activities until you have left the room. If you are entering for the business of number two, you have two options: find another bathroom that is empty, or come back later. Either way, this bathroom is currently off limits unless, again, you're ill or have no control. Then, by all means, GO! (Like you'll have much of a choice.) I honestly cannot believe I had to make up this next rule because I think, who would do this? But, unfortunately, I have witnessed this on a few separate occasions so I must put it on the record. NO GRUNTING OR GROANING ALLOWED. NONE. NOT EVEN A LITTLE MOAN. Seriously, that's just plain tacky. And weird. And a little creepy. And a lot gross. And finally, I'm sure everyone has heard of the "courtesy flush." This is where you flush at a certain point, say, when someone walks in, but before you're done. Again, this rule requires a bit of consideration, but really not a whole lot if you consider the fact that it's also alleviating the unpleasantness for you, as well.

If I still haven't convinced people to use these very simple rules, maybe the fact that there are a lot of shoe observers out there will. I, myself, am a shoe observer. You know, when you're sitting in the stall or standing outside the stall and notice the shoes the other people in the stalls are wearing. The building in which my office is located has one bathroom per floor. So, our office shares a three-stall bathroom with several other departments on our floor. I can always tell when someone from my office is in the bathroom (and I can honestly say I've never witnessed any rule breaking done by my office mates), and there are a few other people outside my office that I've come to recognize by their shoes. So, you may feel totally anonymous inside that rickety little stall of yours, but the shoe observers are onto your game....